“”I learned that even though there are things that feel like mistakes, that even though life sometimes feels like punishment, that those feelings are not the Truth. I learned that my emotional truth was being dictated by my subconscious perspectives of life, by the definitions of life that had been imposed on me as a child, by the subconscious attitudes that I had adopted because of the emotional traumas I had experienced as a child.
Perspective is a key to Recovery. I had to change and enlarge my perspectives of myself and my own emotions, of other people, of God and of this life business. Our perspective of life dictates our relationship with life. We have a dysfunctional relationship with life because we were taught to have a dysfunctional perspective of this life business, dysfunctional definitions of who we are and why we are here.
It is kind of like the old joke about three blind men describing an elephant by touch. Each one of them is telling his own Truth, they just have a lousy perspective. Codependence is all about having a lousy relationship with life, with being human, because we have a lousy perspective on life as a human.” – all quotes in this color are from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls
One of the gifts of the twelve step recovery process, of learning to apply the Serenity Prayer in our lives, is that we start to learn how to take responsibility without blaming – either our self or others. We learn how to take responsibility for the things we do have the power to change – and hold others responsible for their side of the street. This powerful, life changing paradigm shift was in fact the spark that set off the latest series of articles I have been writing .
“In recovery it is very important to take responsibility while also learning to stop giving power to the polarized blame and shame of the disease. Therein lies a tale.” – To Parents of Alcoholics / Addicts
There are so many facets and levels to the process of making this paradigm shift that I will probably be writing articles about it for the rest of the year. It is so vital because it changes our relationship with self and with life – which in turn changes how we relate to other people.
When I use the term paradigm shift, I am talking about changing the context, the framework, in which we view life. Like the quote above about the 3 blind men from my book, if we are not looking at a larger picture we are not seeing clearly. If we are viewing our self and life out of eyes that are limited by polarized, shame based beliefs, then we are not seeing life clearly – we are not seeing the whole elephant.
Our perspective of anything dictates our relationship with that thing. And our perspectives are set up by the intellectual paradigm we are empowering – by the attitudes, beliefs, and definitions that we are holding, both consciously and subconsciously.
That is why it is so important to start practicing intellectual discernment. To start looking at the attitudes, beliefs, and definitions that are dictating our perspectives of life. We can change our relationship with life – and with all the components of life – by changing our perspectives.
This includes our perspective of our emotions. Because we grew up in emotionally dishonest and dysfunctional cultures, we learned to have a dysfunctional relationship with our own emotions. It is through learning to have some intellectual discernment that we can start changing our attitude towards our own emotions – and then we can also start practicing emotional discernment.
I will be talking about some different aspects of both intellectual and emotional discernment in coming articles. For this article I want to make a point about how important this process is by using the example of some basic dysfunctional beliefs that are at the foundation of our relationship with life. These are the beliefs that we learned from the fairy tales we heard in early childhood.
We learned that when we meet our Prince or Princess we will live happily-ever-after. We got the message that there was a destination to reach in life where we would find a state of being that is happily-ever-after.
That is not true. It is not the way life works. You know that now. As an adult, you consciously and intellectually know that there is no happily-ever-after – if you have ever stopped to think about it.
Unfortunately however, that belief is programmed into our subconscious intellectual paradigm and as such, it determines our perspective of life, of romance, of our self – and thus dictates our emotional relationship with those aspects of our human experience.
We are set up to feel like failures in life, and in romantic relationships, because we do not get to reach happily-ever-after. We judge and shame ourselves because we haven’t lived up to the fairy tale. We blame ourselves – or we blame others for this feeling of failure.
This feeling of failure is an illusion based upon a fairy tale. It is based upon beliefs about life that are not true – that have never been true. It is part of our subconscious programming and the only way to change it is to change that subconscious programming – and heal the emotional wounds that we have experienced because our dysfunctional relationships with life and romance set us up to feel like failures.
We cannot do that without looking within. We need to become willing to start shining the light of consciousness into the darkness of our subconscious in order to take power away from that which is in the dark. Looking outside to find the answers does not work. It is only by looking within that we can start healing and recovering from the false beliefs that we learned in childhood.
It is vital for us to start awakening to the reality that we have the power to change our beliefs. We have the power to choose a different intellectual paradigm to define our life. That is what working the twelve steps can do for us – cause a paradigm shift our relationship with life. The more conscious we get about how the process works the quicker we can make the transition.
We have the power to change the attitudes, beliefs, and definitions that are dictating our relationship with life. We can start practicing discernment – picking the baby out of the bath water – once we are willing to start looking within without shame and blame. The key to doing this is to detach from our own process enough to develop an objective perspective of our self.
To use the blind men and the elephant analogy, this means to realize that we aren’t really blind – we have just had our eyes closed, have been living unconsciously. We can open our eyes and step back to look at the elephant from a better perspective. We can walk around it and look at it from all angles. We have a choice to open our eyes and see more clearly. We do not have to be trapped in the programming from our childhood. We have a choice.
We lived life unconsciously because we did not know any other way. It is not shameful – not something to judge ourselves for. Once we get in enough pain we start becoming willing to look for another way. That is when we can start to learn and practice discernment. That is when we can begin our recovery.”
This is the third article in a series of articles on learning to live the Serenity Prayer in one’s life – something that is facilitated by working a 12 step program. The first article in this series is Discernment – The Wisdom to Know the Difference in Serenity Prayer The article that follows it is Emotional Discernment – taking power away from the fear.
Robert Burney is a pioneer in the area of codependency recovery / inner child healing. His first book Codependence The Dance of Wounded Souls has been called “one of the truly transformational works of our time.” His main site http://Joy2MeU.com/ shares over 200 pages of free original content on codependency recovery, inner child healing, relationship dynamics, alcoholism/addiction, fear of intimacy, Twelve Step Spirituality, New Age Metaphysics, emotional abuse, setting boundaries, grief process, and much more. Here is a link to his site index page. He also has a mobile friendly site focused on his work: http://recoverycodependence.com/