Bringing Codependency Recovery Pioneer to the UK in 2017

 

Robert Burney Trip to UK 2017

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Robert Burney is an author, spiritual teacher and counselor.  His first book “Codependence – The Dance of Wounded Souls” has been called “one of the truly transformational works of our time” and he has been referred to as “a metaphysical Stephen Hawking.”   He is a counselor /coach and Spiritual Teacher whose work has been compared to John Bradshaw’s “except much more spiritual” and described as “taking inner child healing to a new level.”  His book “The Dance”  is an insightful, clearly written narrative that has helped countless people to understand and heal from the shortcomings of their relationships with self and others.  Robert’s work resonates strongly with those that have been fortunate enough to come across it.

Codependency Recovery / Inner Child Healing Formula

A pioneer in the realm of codependency recovery and inner child healing, Robert discovered and developed a pioneering holistic approach to codependency recovery – an inner child healing paradigm – that offers a powerful, life changing formula for integrating Love, Spiritual Truth, and intellectual knowledge of healthy behavior into one’s emotional experience of life – a blueprint for individuals to transform their core relationship with self and life.

This blueprint can be invaluable to people just starting the recovery / healing process, and is often the missing piece that people who have been healing /  recovering / on a spiritual path for decades have been seeking.  What is unique about the approach is that all of the tools are brought together in a focused system for achieving integration and balance – and even someone who has a very good therapist (or is a very good therapist) right now, can still find it very beneficial to attend one of his workshops.

Creating the Possibility of bringing Robert Burney to the UK

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Robert Burney

In order to share his experience, strength and hope – and teach others his integration formula – Robert has offered intensive workshops and retreats in the US, Canada, and twice on the Spanish Island of Ibiza, as well as on cruises in the Caribbean.  In spite of having a healthy following in the United Kingdom Robert has not physically presented his work in a similar fashion.

Several years ago Angel Morrison (who had both attended a retreat in Ibiza and been on a cruise with Robert) suggested the idea of working to bring Robert Burney to the UK.  Angel understood the importance of expanding the knowledge of Robert’s work.  Rachel Hawadi who had read Robert’s work (and done phone counseling with him) agreed and the two agreed to volunteer and commit to making this a reality.  This has then given birth to a Facebook Group which aims “To make the possibility of bringing Robert Burney to the UK” in 2017.

As of February 14th, 2017, initial plans are being formulated.  The goal is to make this trip happen in September 2017.  This page is being created to survey people who might be interested in meeting and/or attending an appearance by Robert, to ascertain what formats people would like to have available and where it would be best to offer these opportunities.

Location

It is assumed that London would be one of the locations – and both Birmingham and Nottingham have been proposed by people interested.  Email us to let us know if you could attend in London or want to suggest another location in the UK.

Formats

In order to make the best use of Robert’s time the following mixture of sessions could be offered during the tour.

  • 1 to 1 sessions: These could either be face to face/Telephone and Skype sessions for those in the UK.   Depending on availability these can be 1 hour sessions.   Given that the unique selling point of this tour is being able to see Robert face to face it would seem that a “face to face” would be the main offering.

  • Weekend Retreat: A residential retreat in a comfortable, peaceful setting starting on Friday with a 6:30 arrival, dinner and a session until 10 pm.  An intensive session on Saturday which would end on Sunday around 4 pm.  It would be important to ensure that those attending have excellent food and a general feeling of being cared for.

  • 5-day Retreat: A transformative retreat for those needing a radical overhaul in a similar setting as the weekend retreat but going deeper with more workshops, 1 to 1 sessions.  The setting will also be comfortable and nurturing.   There should be an additional offering of holistic therapies e.g. massages, reflexology, yoga, deep breathing, walks etc.

  • 1 day Intensive workshops: These would follow the exact same formats that have been offered and could be done both during the day or evening.  More than likely, evening sessions could be more successful in London – although it would need to be for 3 evenings in order for Robert to teach the formula that he teaches in his Intensive Workshops.  There might be a requirement to juggle between different towns in the UK.

Please send us some feedback so that we can ascertain the amount of interest and what people are interested in so that we can know if we can make this possibility manifest this year.  Email us to let us know.

Here is some of the feedback from the Intensive Training Workshops / retreats that Robert has done in the past.

“I found this session to be very useful in seeing the what & the why of “my” reality.  The understanding I have gained gives me hope in my future.  This has been the greatest gift I have ever given myself.”

“I really enjoyed Robert Burney’s Intensive Training on inner child work. . .  I had many revelations about my inner child and how I can reparent and stop the critical parent that has followed me my whole life. . . Thank you so much Robert.  You are a truly unforgetable person. So glad I said yes to attending.”

“Exceptionally understandable; very clear.  This was LIFE Changing – I am so thankful.  I would Absolutely recommend it.”

“Robert Burney’s training day was so inspirational and enlightening.  He was loving and warm and presented profound life changing material in a very not intimidating way.  Magical!”

“My life has been much better since I went to your seminar.”

“Brilliant.  Liberating.  So profound it is sometimes ! hilarious  I feel you completely get the dynamics of the human experience and the truth you teach can set people free.”

“It was very empowering, uplifting and gave me new hope.  The information was invaluable.”

“Robert is a very , compassionate intuitive, and intelligent soul who shares his insights to you in such a clear, fun, and poignant way that your life will be forever changed.” –  Testimonial Page for Robert Burney Seminar

Email us to let us know if you are interested.

Sacred Spiral

The key to codependency recovery is the inner child healing work I describe on my site:   A key element of that work includes learning to set internal boundaries.  The formula that I pioneered for inner healing – which includes learning to set the internal boundaries –  is something that I teach people through telephone counseling   (It is now possible to get phone cards for very cheap rates from many places in the world – and also to use Skype for free from anywhere.)  I talk about how the phone counseling can work to really change a persons life for the better in a short period of time on this page which includes some special combination offers.

Reading my book Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls  (links to all of my books in hard copy, ebook, and audiobook format are on that page – or you can get Books, eBooks, and Audiobooks through Amazon) would really help you take your understanding to a whole new level.  Understanding codependency is vital in helping us to forgive our self for the dysfunctional ways we have lived our lives – it is not our fault we are codependent.

In the last few years I have also published two more books that can be very helpful. Codependency Recovery: Wounded Souls Dancing in The Light Book 1 Empowerment, Freedom, and Inner Peace through Inner Child Healing and Romantic Relationships ~ The Greatest Arena for Spiritual & Emotional Growth.  I have special offers for either or both of these books (or for all three of my books) on this page.

I also offer periodic day long workshops to teach people how to apply my inner child healing formula.   (There is now a downloadable MP3 recording available of my Life Changing workshop  – and I have a page with special offers for both the workshop recording and an MP3 download of Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls. )

Codependency causes us to feel like the victim of our own thoughts and feelings, and like our own worst enemy – recovery helps us to start learning how to be our own best friend.  Getting into codependency recovery is an act of love for self.

Enabling & Rescuing vs Tough Love

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Codependence The Dance of Wounded Souls

“We cannot begin to make progress in learning to Love ourselves until we start being kind to ourselves in healthy ways.  A very important part of being kind to ourselves is learning how to say no, and how to set, and be able to defend, boundaries.

    Unconditional Love does not mean being a doormat for other people – unconditional Love begins with Loving ourselves enough to protect ourselves from the people we Love if that is necessary.”

    “We live in a society where the emotional experience of “love” is conditional on behavior.  Where fear, guilt, and shame are used to try to control children’s behavior because parents believe that their children’s behavior reflects their self-worth.

    In other words, if little Johnny is a well-behaved, “good boy,” then his parents are good people.  If Johnny acts out, and misbehaves, then there is something wrong with his parents.  (“He doesn’t come from a good family.”)

    What the family dynamics research shows is that it is actually the good child – the family hero role -who is the most emotionally dishonest and out of touch with him/herself, while the acting-out child – the scapegoat – is the most emotionally honest child in the dysfunctional family.” – all quotes in this color are from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls

Enabling is a term used in 12 step recovery to describe the behavior of family members, or other loved ones, who rescue an alcoholic or drug addict from the consequences of their own self destructive behavior.  It also relates to rescuing anyone who is caught up in any of the compulsive and/or addictive self destructive behaviors that are symptoms of codependency:  gambling;  spending;  eating disorders;  sexual or relationship addictions;  inability to hold a job;  etc.

Codependency recovery is in one sense growing up.  As long as we are caught in unconscious reaction to our childhood wounding we cannot become mature responsible adults capable of healthy, Truly Loving relationships.  The person who is caught up in self destructive compulsive/addictive behavior patterns behaves in an immature and irresponsible manner.

[As I note often in my writing, codependency involves extremes of behavior.  The immature, irresponsible, self destructive codependent is one extreme of the spectrum – usually the person who is genetically an addictive personality.  At the other extreme, is the codependent who is over responsible and/or other focused – and can appear to be very mature and successful, with no need of being rescued.  This is often the adult who as a child was being the parent in the family – rescuing and taking care of their own immature parents from a very young age.  The family hero or caretaker who defines themselves by external accomplishments, popularity, possessions, superiority to others, etc.  This person can be a workaholic, or exercise/health fanatic, or religion addict, or a professional caretaker (therapist, nurse, etc.), or “kind hearted” martyr (who is passively controlling by avoiding conflict and thus set up to be the “wronged” victim) – some type of controlling personality who feels superior to others based upon their seeming ability to be in control of their lives according to certain external criteria.  The external criteria can range from being financially successful to being successful in never getting angry – and are dysfunctional codependent measures of worth based upon comparison to, upon feeling superior to, other people.  These varieties of codependency are not capable of healthy, Truly Loving relationships either.]

A person who is acting out self destructively has no reason to change if they do not ever suffer major consequences for their behavior.  If they are rescued from consequences, they are enabled to continue practicing their addiction.

I celebrated my sobriety anniversary on January 3rd.  I have now been clean and sober for over 30 years.  The reason I got clean and sober was because my parents did an intervention on me and set a boundary that they would not rescue me financially one more time.

An intervention is a confrontation of self destructive behavior by the addicts loved ones.  It is often professionally facilitated – although that is not a necessary requirement.  It involves the family and friends of an alcoholic/addict confronting the self destructive behavior and setting boundaries with the person.  It is sometimes described as an example of “tough love.”

Tough love is a misnomer.  Love that does not include boundaries is not Truly Love – it is enmeshment, it is emotional vampirism.  If I do not Love myself enough to have boundaries to protect myself from the behavior of others than I am not capable of relating to other people in a healthy Loving manner.  Rescuing another from their own self destructive behavior is not Loving – and it is codependently dishonest.

When we are reacting out of our codependency, unconsciously reacting out of our childhood emotional wounds and programming, then we are not capable of being honest with ourselves or others.  A codependent doesn’t rescue or try to save someone they “love” for the other persons benefit – they do it for themselves.  A parent who keeps rescuing a child from self destructive behavior is on some level trying to be loving – but at the deepest level they are trying to rescue themselves from the pain of seeing their child destroy themselves.  They are being selfish – which is human and normal – but they are doing it dishonestly by telling themselves they are doing it for the other person.  This is a set up to feel victimized – and to abuse and shame the child/loved one for their behavior.  “How can you do this to me after all I have done for you?”

One of the important distinctions to learn in recovery, is how to draw a boundary between being and behavior.  We can love a person’s being and still protect ourselves from their behavior if that is necessary.  To think that loving someone means we have to accept being abused by them is dysfunctional – and it demonstrates a lack of Love for our self.  If we do not know how to be Loving to our self, then we cannot Truly Love another person in a healthy way.  If we do not honor our self, show respect for our self, by having boundaries – then the other person is not going to respect us.

Rescuing someone who is actively practicing addiction of some kind, is enabling.  It is dysfunctional because it supports the person in continuing to practice their addiction.   A person in recovery working on getting healthier may need some help from time to time – and that is great, that is being supportive in a positive manner.  Helping someone to continue to self destruct is not support, it is codependency – it is also not Loving.”

Applying the Serenity Prayer – Wisdom through Discernment ~ Intellectual Discernment – focused within

 

Codependence The Dance of Wounded Souls

Codependence The Dance of Wounded Souls

   “”I learned that even though there are things that feel like mistakes, that even though life sometimes feels like punishment, that those feelings are not the Truth.  I learned that my emotional truth was being dictated by my subconscious perspectives of life, by the definitions of life that had been imposed on me as a child, by the subconscious attitudes that I had adopted because of the emotional traumas I had experienced as a child.

    Perspective is a key to Recovery.  I had to change and enlarge my perspectives of myself and my own emotions, of other people, of God and of this life business.  Our perspective of life dictates our relationship with life.  We have a dysfunctional relationship with life because we were taught to have a dysfunctional perspective of this life business, dysfunctional definitions of who we are and why we are here.

    It is kind of like the old joke about three blind men describing an elephant by touch.  Each one of them is telling his own Truth, they just have a lousy perspective.  Codependence is all about having a lousy relationship with life, with being human, because we have a lousy perspective on life as a human.” – all quotes in this color are from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls

One of the gifts of the twelve step recovery process, of learning to apply the Serenity Prayer in our lives, is that we start to learn how to take responsibility without blaming – either our self or others.  We learn how to take responsibility for the things we do have the power to change – and hold others responsible for their side of the street.  This powerful, life changing paradigm shift was in fact the spark that set off the latest series of articles I have been writing .

“In recovery it is very important to take responsibility while also learning to stop giving power to the polarized blame and shame of the disease.  Therein lies a tale.”  – To Parents of Alcoholics / Addicts

There are so many facets and levels to the process of making this paradigm shift that I will probably be writing articles about it for the rest of the year.  It is so vital because it changes our relationship with self and with life – which in turn changes how we relate to other people.

When I use the term paradigm shift, I am talking about changing the context, the framework, in which we view life.  Like the quote above about the 3 blind men from my book, if we are not looking at a larger picture we are not seeing clearly.  If we are viewing our self and life out of eyes that are limited by polarized, shame based beliefs, then we are not seeing life clearly – we are not seeing the whole elephant.

Our perspective of anything dictates our relationship with that thing.  And our perspectives are set up by the intellectual paradigm we are empowering – by the attitudes, beliefs, and definitions that we are holding, both consciously and subconsciously.

That is why it is so important to start practicing intellectual discernment.  To start looking at the attitudes, beliefs, and definitions that are dictating our perspectives of life.  We can change our relationship with life – and with all the components of life – by changing our perspectives.

This includes our perspective of our emotions.  Because we grew up in emotionally dishonest and dysfunctional cultures, we learned to have a dysfunctional relationship with our own emotions.  It is through learning to have some intellectual discernment that we can start changing our attitude towards our own emotions – and then we can also start practicing emotional discernment.

I will be talking about some different aspects of both intellectual and emotional discernment in coming articles. For this article I want to make a point about how important this process is by using the example of some basic dysfunctional beliefs that are at the foundation of our relationship with life.  These are the beliefs that we learned from the fairy tales we heard in early childhood.

We learned that when we meet our Prince or Princess we will live happily-ever-after.  We got the message that there was a destination to reach in life where we would find a state of being that is happily-ever-after.

That is not true.  It is not the way life works.  You know that now.  As an adult, you consciously and intellectually know that there is no happily-ever-after – if you have ever stopped to think about it.

Unfortunately however, that belief is programmed into our subconscious intellectual paradigm and as such, it determines our perspective of life, of romance, of our self – and thus dictates our emotional relationship with those aspects of our human experience.

We are set up to feel like failures in life, and in romantic relationships, because we do not get to reach happily-ever-after.  We judge and shame ourselves because we haven’t lived up to the fairy tale.  We blame ourselves – or we blame others for this feeling of failure.

This feeling of failure is an illusion based upon a fairy tale.  It is based upon beliefs about life that are not true – that have never been true.  It is part of our subconscious programming and the only way to change it is to change that subconscious programming – and heal the emotional wounds that we have experienced because our dysfunctional relationships with life and romance set us up to feel like failures.

We cannot do that without looking within.  We need to become willing to start shining the light of consciousness into the darkness of our subconscious in order to take power away from that which is in the dark.  Looking outside to find the answers does not work.  It is only by looking within that we can start healing and recovering from the false beliefs that we learned in childhood.

It is vital for us to start awakening to the reality that we have the power to change our beliefs.  We have the power to choose a different intellectual paradigm to define our life.  That is what working the twelve steps can do for us – cause a paradigm shift our relationship with life.  The more conscious we get about how the process works the quicker we can make the transition.

We have the power to change the attitudes, beliefs, and definitions that are dictating our relationship with life.  We can start practicing discernment – picking the baby out of the bath water – once we are willing to start looking within without shame and blame.  The key to doing this is to detach from our own process enough to develop an objective perspective of our self.

To use the blind men and the elephant analogy, this means to realize that we aren’t really blind – we have just had our eyes closed, have been living unconsciously.  We can open our eyes and step back to look at the elephant from a better perspective.  We can walk around it and look at it from all angles.  We have a choice to open our eyes and see more clearly.  We do not have to be trapped in the programming from our childhood.  We have a choice.

We lived life unconsciously because we did not know any other way.  It is not shameful – not something to judge ourselves for.  Once we get in enough pain we start becoming willing to look for another way.  That is when we can start to learn and practice discernment.  That is when we can begin our recovery.”

Logo of Joy2MeU

Logo of Joy2MeU.com website of codependency recovery expert inner child healing pioneer Robert Burney

This is the third article in a series of articles on learning to live the Serenity Prayer in one’s life – something that is facilitated by working a 12 step program.  The first article in this series is Discernment – The Wisdom to Know the Difference in Serenity Prayer  The article that follows it is Emotional Discernment – taking power away from the fear.

Robert Burney is a pioneer in the area of codependency recovery / inner child healing. His first book Codependence The Dance of Wounded Souls has been called “one of the truly transformational works of our time.”  His main site http://Joy2MeU.com/ shares over 200 pages of free original content on codependency recovery, inner child healing, relationship dynamics, alcoholism/addiction, fear of intimacy, Twelve Step Spirituality, New Age Metaphysics, emotional abuse, setting boundaries, grief process, and much more.  Here is a link to his site index page.  He also has a mobile friendly site focused on his work:  http://recoverycodependence.com/

 

Powerlessness & Empowerment – why the 12 steps work

“The Twelve Step Recovery process is so successful because it provides a formula for integrating different levels. It is by recognizing that we are powerless to control our life experiences out of ego-self that we can access the power out of True Self, Spiritual Self. By surrendering the illusion of ego control we can reconnect with our Higher Selves. Selfishness out of ego-self is destroying the planet. Selfishness out of Spiritual Self is what will save the planet.

It is because there is more than one level of reality that life is paradoxical in nature. What is True and positive on one level – selfishness out of Spiritual Self, can be negative on another level – selfishness out of ego-self. What a caterpillar calls the end of the world, God calls a butterfly.

Humans have always had expressions that describe the paradoxical nature of the life experience. Every ending is a beginning. Every cloud does have a silver lining. For every door that closes, another door does open. It is always darkest before the dawn. Every obstacle is a gift, every problem is an opportunity for growth.

These are all expressions that refer to the paradoxical nature of life – the seeming contradictions that are a result of the multiple levels of reality. When we start to understand and recognize that there are multiple levels of reality, then we can begin to unravel the paradox and see how all of the pieces fit together perfectly.” – quotes in this color are from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls

One of the many things which confused me in early recovery were some seemingly contradictory statements that I would hear at meetings and from other Recovering people. There were several areas where this came up but the one which I remember puzzled me the most had to do with the concept of “selfishness.” I would read or hear how negative self-seeking, self-pity, and self-will were, and how selfishness and self-centeredness were the root of my problem. But then I would also hear, in a positive context that this was a selfish program and “to thine own self be true.”

Luckily, it wasn’t important for me to figure out this paradox in order to stay sober. I was in my fifth year of recovery when something that I heard in a meeting reminded me of my puzzlement and started me thinking about this paradox again. Someone in the meeting talked about how there were three steps that mentioned power. The first tells me that I don’t have it; the second tells me where to find it; and the eleventh tells me how to access it – through prayer and meditation.

So the steps tell me that I am powerless and then tell me how to access power. Were these two different kinds of power? I was real clear that the moment I accepted my powerlessness to stop drinking and using I somehow got the power to do exactly that. How did this work? How can powerlessness lead to empowerment?

It was while writing a book (not the one that has been published – this was actually the first writing I did, a Magical Mystical Spiritual Fable that will never be published in book form, but which greatly expanded my Spiritual Paradigm) about Spirituality that I started to see why there was paradox in life. I started to understand that there were different levels of reality. These different levels were the reason that what seemed to me to be tragedy (quitting drinking) could in the larger perspective, on a higher level, actually be a great gift. It helped me start understanding why there is always a “silver lining” – there is always more than one level of reality at play in any life experience.

That was when I started to understand that there were two very different levels of “self.” There is my ego-self which was traumatized and programmed in early childhood. The ego-self got the message that I wasn’t lovable or worthy because my parents believed that they weren’t lovable or worthy. In very early childhood my ego-self got the message that there was something shameful about my “being” – about being me. So the ego tries to defend me against the pain of not being good enough by trying to keep me separate from other human beings so they won’t find out about my defective nature. My ego built up huge walls to defend me and keep me separate. The only ones allowed through those walls were the people that felt familiar – in other words the very ones who were wounded in such a way that they would recreate the messages I received in childhood.

So the very defenses that the ego adapted to protect me actually kept me replaying the old patterns. This is why Codependence is a dysfunctional defense system – it doesn’t work to defend me.

What the Twelve Steps did for me was to help me start letting go of the ego-self’s faulty programming. When I surrendered trying to control things out of ego-self and started looking to a Higher Power is when I started to access my Spiritual Self. My Spiritual Self is the part of me that knows that I am a Spiritual Being who is related to everyone and everything – that we are all ONE. Through my Spiritual Self I have access to all the power in the Universe.

So when I started praying and meditating I started to access the power to change my life. And it was very important for me personally to realize that prayer and meditation did not just mean formal prayer and formal meditation. What I came to realize is that prayer is “talking to” my Higher Power and other Recovering people, while meditation is “listening to” my Higher Power and other Recovering people. I learned to talk to and listen to my Higher Power all day long – to keep the energy flowing between the physical level and the Spiritual level – between my self and my Self.”

Codependence The Dance of Wounded Souls  A Cosmic Perspective of Codependence and the Human Condition b

Codependence The Dance of Wounded Souls A Cosmic Perspective of Codependence and the Human Condition

 

This book is available through Robert’s website or from Amazon Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls

Also available in eBook format: Amazon Kindle Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls and Barnes & Noble Nook

New December 2012 Announcing that a new audio version of Codependence The Dance of Wounded Souls A Cosmic Perspective of Codependence and the Human Condition is now available on audible.com

This is a literal audio book with another narrator – not the audio that I did myself which was slightly abridged. I think that the narrator did a good job – but of course it doesn’t have the passion and the points of emphasis that the one I did has. As one person’s feedback stated about my version:

“The audio version is absolutely a mind-blowing audio spiritual experience! You rock, man!! It’s one thing to read the articles on the clinically electric computer screen and completely another level of involvement hearing the man himself utter his own words of wisdom and spiritual alchemy. One can tell that you aren’t just mumbling through a book you’ve written; while listening it becomes certain that the message truly is your spiritual truth and not just some neatly packaged intellectual mind job disguising itself in spiritual language. An enormous THANK YOU for sharing your story and perspective for all the world to see, I truly appreciate it, man!” – The version that I did is for sale as an MP3 download.

Joy to You & Me Presents an Empowering & Life Changing Codependency Recovery / Inner Child Healing Workshop in San Diego (next Feb. 23rd):  A Day Long Intensive Training in Robert Burney’s Spiritual Integration Formula for Inner Healing

Recovery from Codependency / Inner Child Healing

“It is through healing our inner child, our inner children, by grieving the wounds that we suffered, that we can change our behavior patterns and clear our emotional process. We can release the grief with its pent-up rage, shame, terror, and pain from those feeling places which exist within us.

    That does not mean that the wound will ever be completely healed. There will always be a tender spot, a painful place within us due to the experiences that we have had. What it does mean is that we can take the power away from those wounds. By bringing them out of the darkness into the Light, by releasing the energy, we can heal them enough so that they do not have the power to dictate how we live our lives today. We can heal them enough to change the quality of our lives dramatically. We can heal them enough to Truly be happy, Joyous and free in the moment most of the time.” – quotes in this color are from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls

Codependency recovery / inner child healing is a way of life. It is a way to live life that works. It works to help an individual gain some freedom from the past. It is a path for living that facilitates developing a centered ground space within where inner peace exists. That creates the space for a person to be present in the moment and be happy to be alive – to connect with Joy – some of the time.

It is not something we do and then get on with our lives. It is something we do in order to Truly be alive.

Life is a process – a journey. By being willing to do the inner child healing we can learn to be present for the journey – and to have the capacity to actually relax and enjoy it at times.

One of the very valuable things that I have learned in my recovery is echoed in something that I often say to people when I first start to work with them. Most of my counseling work is done by phone these days, and often I will end the first session by saying, “Everything that happens in your life from now on, is part of this process.”

We are here to do this healing. We are Spiritual Beings having a human experience – and we are in body at this very special time in history to do this healing work.

The inner child healing work is part of our Spiritual evolutionary journey. Doing this work requires consciousness raising – en-light-en-ment. We need to become conscious of our own inner process – by developing the detached observer / witness / detective / defense attorney / compassionate parent level of consciousness. The more conscious we become, the easier it is to see how powerful our reactive programming has been. By becoming conscious of it, we can change it.

By being willing to get more conscious we can start to reprogram our ego programming by using positive affirmations and self talk, by developing a Spiritual belief system that allows us to start being compassionate and Loving to ourselves.

By becoming willing to face the terror of healing the emotional wounds we can learned to release the dammed, repressed grief energy within us so that it is no longer defining us and dictating our experience of life.

Doing the healing work, making recovery a way of life, allows us to make choices to define our reality from a place of faith and acceptance instead of victimization, fear, and shame. It allows us to start having healthier relationships with our self and with others.

Becoming conscious and paying attention to the guidance from our intuition / Spirit, will help us learn to stop reacting to life and start having choices about how we respond to life. Responsibility – the ability to respond. We can take responsibility for our lives – and own our power as a co-creator of our life.

As long as we are reacting to life unconsciously out of our childhood emotional wounds and programming it is impossible for us to grow up. Recovery is about growing up – as I said in part 10 of this series on inner child healing (Inner Child Healing Paradigm):

“This work is about becoming an integrated, whole, mature, adult person in action, in the way we live our lives and respond to life events and other people. The only way we can be whole is to own all of the parts of ourselves. By owning all the parts we can then have choices about how we respond to life. By denying, hiding, and suppressing parts of ourselves we doom ourselves to live life in reaction.”

Becoming an integrated, whole, mature adult does not come easily. It takes commitment. It takes action and effort on our part. We need to be willing to do our part in the process. We need to be willing to learn to be honest with ourselves intellectually and emotionally. We need to be willing to do the grief work. We need to be willing to be conscious – and to live consciously.

We can’t do it perfectly. We will make gradual progress. We will resist and procrastinate and make excuses – because we are human. One of the trickiest things about his process is to stop judging ourselves for being human at the same time we doing whatever it takes to align with healing and transformation.

It is hard work. It is ongoing – it will keep changing and shifting and getting different, but it will continue for the rest of your life.

The rewards are awesome however!

I am going to end this article and this series with a couple of short quotes from near the end of my book Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls

“We are Spiritual Beings having a human experience. We are here to experience feelings and touch and Love. The goal of the healing process is not to reach someplace where we are above all the human experiences and feelings. We are here to feel these feelings.

    When we become willing to feel the pain, then we become capable of feeling the Joy. The Joy of doing this healing is incredible! Our job is to heal and enJoy. Our job is to be. We are here to be human beings, not human doings.

    Our job is to follow the Joy to the Truth. Our job is to feel in the moment.

    As long as we are reacting to old wounds and old tapes we cannot respond to the now. The more we heal, the more responsibility we have – that is, ability to respond. The ability to respond in the moment.”

    “This is a process, a process we are going to be involved in for the rest of this lifetime. We will never do it perfectly from a human perspective. But the more we are willing to choose to view life as a growth process, and to feel and remember the Truth within us, the more we will become conscious of the Truth that we are perfectly where we are supposed to be on our Spiritual Path – and that we are being guided Home.

    There is Truth all around us. And the Truth is setting us free.

    Through healing the inner child, we access Truth and Love. And the little child shall lead them.”

That little child is within you. That little child deserves Love. That little child is you.”

This was the final article in a series of articles Robert wrote on inner child healing.  That series was later expanded and published as Codependency Recovery: Wounded Souls Dancing in The Light.  This is a process level – how to – book about the inner child healing approach discovered by Robert in his recovery.  The approach to inner child / emotional healing shared within is the missing piece – the missing perspective – of the puzzle of life that so many people have been seeking.  It is a formula for integrating intellectual knowledge and spiritual Truth into one’s emotional relationship with life.   It is the key to learning how to be more Loving to your self – and to turning life into an adventure to be experienced instead of an ordeal of suffering to be endured.

Cover of Inner Child Healing Book

Codependency Recovery: Wounded Souls Dancing in The Light

 

Codependency Recovery: Wounded Souls Dancing in The Light
Book 1 Empowerment, Freedom, and Inner Peace through Inner Child Healing
(aka A Formula for Spiritual Integration and Emotional Balance)

Also available eBook format: Amazon Kindle Codependency Recovery: Wounded Souls Dancing in The Light and Barnes & Noble Nook

Learning to Love our self – Inner Child Healing / Codependence Recovery

     “Codependence is an emotional and behavioral defense system which was adopted by our egos in order to meet our need to survive as a child.  Because we had no tools for reprogramming our egos and healing our emotional wounds (culturally approved grieving, training and initiation rites, healthy role models, etc.), the effect is that as an adult we keep reacting to the programming of our childhood and do not get our needs met – our emotional, mental, Spiritual, or physical needs.  Codependence allows us to survive physically but causes us to feel empty and dead inside.  Codependence is a defense system that causes us to wound ourselves.”

    “We need to take the shame and judgment out of the process on a personal level.  It is vitally important to stop listening and giving power to that critical place within us that tells us that we are bad and wrong and shameful.

    That “critical parent” voice in our head is the disease lying to us. . . .  This healing is a long gradual process – the goal is progress, not perfection.  What we are learning about is unconditional Love.  Unconditional Love means no judgment, no shame.”

    “We need to start observing ourselves and stop judging ourselves.  Any time we judge and shame ourselves, we are feeding back into the disease, we are jumping back into the squirrel cage.” – Quotations in this color are from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls

Codependence is a dysfunctional defense system that was built in reaction to feeling unlovable and unworthy – because our parents were wounded codependents who didn’t know how to love themselves.  We grew up in environments that were emotionally dishonest, Spiritually hostile, and shame based.  Our relationship with ourselves (and all the different parts of our self: emotions, gender, spirit, etc.) got twisted and distorted in order to survive in our particular dysfunctional environment.

We got to an age where we were supposed to be an adult and we started acting like we knew what we were doing.  We went around pretending to be adult at the same time we were reacting to the programming that we got growing up.  We tried to do everything “right” or rebelled and went against what we had been taught was “right.”  Either way we weren’t living our life through choice, we were living it in reaction.

In order to start being loving to ourselves we need to change our relationship with our self – and with all the wounded parts of our self.   The way which I have found works the best in starting to love ourselves is through having internal boundaries.

Learning to have internal boundaries is a dynamic process that involves three distinctly different, but intimately interconnected, spheres of work.  The purpose of the work is to change our ego-programming – to change our relationship with ourselves by changing our emotional/behavioral defense system into something that works to open us up to receive love, instead of sabotaging ourselves because of our deep belief that we don’t deserve love.

(I need to make the point here that Codependence and recovery are both multi-leveled, multi-dimensional phenomena. What we are trying to achieve is integration and balance on different levels. In regard to our relationship with ourselves this involves two major dimensions: the horizontal and the vertical. In this context the horizontal is about being human and relating to other humans and our environment. The vertical is Spiritual, about our relationship to a Higher Power, to the Universal Source. If we cannot conceive of a God/Goddess Force that loves us then it makes it virtually impossible to be loving to ourselves. So a Spiritual Awakening is absolutely vital to the process in my opinion. Changing our relationship with ourselves on the horizontal level is both a necessary element in, and possible because we are working on, integrating Spiritual Truth into our inner process.)

These three spheres are:

1.  Detachment

2.  Inner Child Healing

3.  Grieving

Because Codependence is a reactive phenomena it is vital to start being able to detach from our own process in order to have some choice in changing our reactions.  We need to start observing our selves from the witness perspective instead of from the perspective of the judge.

We all observe ourselves – have a place of watching ourselves as if from outside, or perched somewhere inside, observing our own behavior.  Because of our childhoods we learned to judge ourselves from that witness perspective, the “critical parent” voice.

The emotionally dishonest environments we were raised in taught us that it was not ok to feel our emotions, or that only certain emotions were ok.  So we had to learn ways to control our emotions in order to survive.  We adapted the same tools that were used on us – guilt, shame, and fear (and saw in the role modeling of our parents how they reacted to life from shame and fear.)  This is where the critical parent gets born.  It’s purpose is to try to keep our emotions and behavior under some sort of control so that we can get our survival needs met.

So the first boundary that we need to start setting internally is with the wounded / dysfunctionally programmed part of our own mind.  We need to start saying no to the inner voices that are shaming and judgmental.  The disease comes from a black and white, right and wrong, perspective.  It speaks in absolutes: “You always screw up!”  “You will never be a success!” – these are lies. We don’t always screw up. We may never be a success according to our parents or societies dysfunctional definition of success – but that is because our heart and soul do not resonate with those definitions, so that kind of success would be a betrayal of ourselves. We need to consciously change our definitions so that we can stop judging ourselves against someone else’s screwed up value system.

We learned to relate to ourselves (and all the parts of our self – emotions, sexuality, etc.) and life from a critical place of believing that something was wrong with us – and in fear that we would be punished if we didn’t do life “right.”  Whatever we are doing or not doing the disease can always find something to beat us up with.  I have 10 things on my “to do list” today, I get 9 of them done, the disease does not want me to give myself credit for what I have done but instead beats me up for the one I didn’t get done.  Whenever life gets too good we get uncomfortable and the disease jumps right in with fear and shame messages.  The critical parent voice keeps us from relaxing and enjoying life, and from loving our self.

We need to own that we have the power to choose where to focus our mind. We can consciously start viewing ourselves from the “witness” perspective.   It is time to fire the judge – our critical parent – and choose to replace that judge with our Higher Self, who is a loving parent. We can then intervene in our own process to protect ourselves from the perpetrator within – the critical parent/disease voice.

(It is almost impossible to go from critical parent to compassionate loving parent in one step – so the first step often is to try to observe ourselves from a neutral position or a “scientific observer” perspective.)

This is what enlightenment and consciousness raising are all about.  Owning our power to be a co-creator of our lives by changing our relationship with ourselves.  We can change the way we think.  We can change the way we respond to our own emotions. We need to detach from our wounded self in order to allow our Spiritual Self to guide us.  We are Unconditionally Loved.  The Spirit does not speak to us from judgment and shame.

One of the visualizations that has helped me over the years is an image of a small control room in my brain.  This control room is full of dials and gauges and lights and sirens. In this control room are a bunch of Keebler-like elves whose job it is to make sure that I don’t get too emotional for my own good.  Whenever I feel anything too strongly (including Joy, happiness, self-love) the lights start flashing and the sirens start wailing and the elves go crazy running around trying to get things under control.  They start pushing some of the old survival buttons:  feeling too happy – drink; feeling too sad- eat sugar; feeling scared – get laid; or whatever.

To me, the process of recovery is about teaching those elves to chill out.  Reprogramming my ego-defenses to knowing that it is okay to feel the feelings.  That feeling and releasing the emotions is not only okay it is what will work best in allowing me to have my needs fulfilled.

We need to change our relationship with ourselves and our own emotions in order to stop being at war with ourselves.  The first step to doing that is to detach from ourselves enough to start protecting ourselves from the perpetrator that lives within us.

The key to codependency recovery is the inner child healing work I describe on my site and in my second book (below.)  A key element of that work includes learning to set the internal boundaries I talk about in the article above.

Cover of Inner Child Healing book

Codependency Recovery: Wounded Souls Dancing in The Light – Empowerment, Freedom, and Inner Peace through Inner Child

This book Codependency Recovery: Wounded Souls Dancing in The Light – Empowerment, Freedom, and Inner Peace through Inner Child is a process level – how to – book about the inner child healing approach discovered by Robert in his recovery.  The approach to inner child / emotional healing shared within is the missing piece – the missing perspective – of the puzzle of life that so many people have been seeking.  It is a formula for integrating intellectual knowledge and spiritual Truth into one’s emotional relationship with life.   It is the key to learning how to be more Loving to your self – and to turning life into an adventure to be experienced instead of an ordeal of suffering to be endured.

Joy to You & Me Enterprises offers an Empowering & Life Changing Intensive Training Day Workshop in San Diego with Spiritual Teacher, inner child healing pioneer Robert Burney.  Learn his innovative Spiritual Integration Formula for Inner Healing.  To find out the locations and dates for upcoming appearances go to Day of Intensive Training. (Next workshop is January 4th in San Diego.  The day after my 30th Sobriety Birthday.;-)

A Life Changing Workshop in San Diego October 26th – Robert Burney’s Spiritual Integration Formula for Inner Healing

Joy to You & Me Presents an Empowering & Life Changing Codependency Recovery / Inner Child Healing Workshop:

A Day Long Intensive Training in Robert Burney’s Spiritual Integration Formula for Inner Healing

“Robert, Your seminar on codependence was awesome. Your practical techniques for dealing with this disease are incredibly simple and incredibly effective.”

“You can intellectually understand key points by reading his book, but the training allowed me to really internalize it.  It’s like the difference between learning how to fly an airplane by reading a book vs. actually getting in the plane.”

“This training is not only a clear nuts and bolts approach to recovery, but likely a key insight into the next revolutionary model of recovery.  I feel as if I have a much clearer map.”

“Robert Burney’s training day was so inspirational and enlightening.  He was loving and warm and presented profound life changing material in a very not intimidating way.  Magical!”

“Exceptionally understandable; very clear.  This was LIFE Changing – I am so thankful.  I would Absolutely recommend it.”

“It was very empowering, uplifting and gave me new hope.  The information was invaluable.”

“I believe you’ve assembled all of the major pieces of “the puzzle of Recovery” with your work (in a way that has never been done before).”

“Robert Burney’s training day was so inspirational and enlightening.  He was loving and warm and presented profound life changing material in a very not intimidating way.  Magical!”

For more see Testimonials for the Intensive 

Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls has been called “one of the truly transformational works of our time” – and it’s author Robert Burney referred to as “a metaphysical Stephen Hawking.”  An Author, Counselor / Coach, and Spiritual Teacher whose work has been compared to John Bradshaw’s “except much more spiritual” and described as “taking inner child healing to a new level,” Robert has developed a holistic strategy for emotional healing that is a pioneering approach to codependency recovery / inner child healing.  He discovered and developed a powerful, life changing formula for integrating Love, Spiritual Truth, and intellectual knowledge of healthy behavior into one’s emotional experience of life – a blueprint for individuals to transform their core relationship with self and life.

This blueprint can be invaluable to people just starting the recovery / healing process, and is often the missing piece that people who have been healing /  recovering for decades have been seeking.  What is unique about the approach is that all of the tools are brought together in a focused system for achieving integration and balance – and even someone who has a very good therapist right now, can still find it very beneficial to attend this workshop.

Robert, whose work is firmly grounded on Twelve Step Spiritual Principles and emotional energy release / grief process therapy, learned in his own personal recovery that developing internal boundaries was the key to empowerment and freedom from the past.  If you want to learn how to relax and enjoy life in the moment, while you are healing and learning to Love your self, you don’t want to miss this workshop.  If you are in a relationship and attend this workshop together it will bring clarity to the root causes of any symptomatic challenges you have been encountering and can help you both open up to deeper emotional intimacy while increasing your capacity to both give and receive Love.

Sunday October 26th ~ 10 am to 5 pm
San Diego – Town & Country Resort and Convention Center

Town & Country Resort & Convention Center

Town & Country Resort & Convention Center in San Diego

Special offer available for October 26th Life Changing Workshop until April 23rd

A special combination offer: Intensive Training Day in San Diego October 26th – plus Robert’s first two books – a copy of Joyously inspirational Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls and the process level Codependency Recovery: Wounded Souls Dancing in The Light Book 1 Empowerment, Freedom, and Inner Peace through Inner Child Healing

“The approach that I discovered in my personal recovery – and developed in my work with others – is the missing integration formula that people in recovery, on a healing / spiritual path, have been seeking for years.  We can have lots of intellectual knowledge of what constitutes healthy behavior, and multiple spiritual experiences, but until we can integrate knowing / Knowing into our emotional relationship with self and life it is not possible to fundamentally change our behavior patterns – especially, and most importantly, our behavior patterns in intimate relationships.

There are many teachers, books, etc., these days that will tell you that the goal is to learn to Love your self – but no one really tells you how to do that. That is what the approach to inner healing – that I have been gifted with developing – facilitates. . . . . .

 . . . . This work can empower you to not only to find inner peace / stop the war within – to learn to “be” present for your life journey today with the capacity to be happy, Joyous, and free in the moment – but is also the key to healing your fear of intimacy enough to learn how to open up to Love and be healthier in a romantic relationship.” – Joy2MeU Update Newsletter March 2006

“What is so valuable, what I believe is unique, about the approach to inner child healing that I have been guided to develop and refine, is that it provides a formula for integrating Spiritual Truth and intellectual knowledge of healthy behavior into one’s emotional relationship with life.

It does not matter how much Spiritual Truth, how many mystical experiences of oneness, how in tune with Love, you can feel in certain moments – if you cannot integrate it into your life in a way which changes your emotional experience of life on a moment to moment, day to day basis.  You can go to therapy for many years, read all the Spiritual and self help books, go to workshops and seminars and lectures – compile encyclopedic intellectual knowledge of what healthy behavior is – and still be reacting to old wounds in the relationships that mean the most to you.

The missing ingredient for so many people who have been seeking for many years, is how to integrate what you know into how you feel about your experience life.  That is what I teach people – because it is what I have spent many years learning.” – Co-Creation: Owning your Power to Manifest Love

Map showing location of Town & Country Resort & Convention Center

Map showing location of Town & Country Resort & Convention Center

For people who cannot attend the workshop there is a video recording of it available as an MP3 Download – and Robert does Phone / Skype Counseling with people around the world to teach people the formula he discovered.

Book cover

Codependence The Dance of Wounded Souls

“This dance of Codependence is a dance of dysfunctional relationships – of relationships that do not work to meet our needs.  That does not mean just romantic relationships, or family relationships, or even human relationships in general. 

The fact that dysfunction exists in our romantic, family, and human relationships is a symptom of the dysfunction that exists in our relationship with life – with being human.  It is a symptom of the dysfunction which exists in our relationships with ourselves as human beings.

And the dysfunction that exists in our relationship with ourselves is a symptom of Spiritual dis-ease, of not being in balance and harmony with the universe, of feeling disconnected from our Spiritual source.

That is why it is so important to enlarge our perspective.  To look beyond the romantic relationship in which we are having problems.  To look beyond the dysfunction that exists in our relationships with other people.

The more we enlarge our perspective, the closer we get to the cause instead of just dealing with the symptoms.  For example, the more we look at the dysfunction in our relationship with ourselves as human beings the more we can understand the dysfunction in our romantic relationships.”

“Codependency is an emotional and behavioral defense system which was adopted by our egos in order to meet our need to survive as a child. Because we had no tools for reprogramming our egos and healing our emotional wounds (culturally approved grieving, training and initiation rites, healthy role models, etc.), the effect is that as an adult we keep reacting to the programming of our childhood and do not get our needs met – our emotional, mental, Spiritual, or physical needs.

Codependency allows us to survive physically but causes us to feel empty and dead inside. Codependency is a defense system that causes us to wound ourselves.” – Quotations in this color are from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney